Saturday, June 9, 2001

Dear Kate,

I hope that if you ever ask me "How do you know when you're really in love with someone?" that I might actually be able to answer, because I'm not sure I can right now.

Alitalia's ad campaigns seem to illustrate "in love" for me, though. It all started with this:

This image captivated me like a really good book! The embrace that this couple is in seems so real to me (but, yeah, they are actors, I know). Their playfulness (after all, they're fully dressed and in the pool!) shows their wonderful friendship. Their touch is gentle yet secure. If they're in an indoor pool, the building could be on fire and they wouldn't care. They're in love!

As I saw this ad over and over again, I'd say to myself: "I want THIS!" I'm not sure that I have it now.

Of course, the ad campaign faded just like every new love relationship: as the couple settles, those in love feelings go away.

Right? Isn't that what "they" say? That it's incorrect to assume you can have those in love feelings for the rest of your days with someone. That that kind of love is a fairy tale and doesn't exist in the real world. It doesn't, does it? I certainly don't know.

Then Alitalia had to go launch another ad campaign:

How the heck did they manage to capture the same vision? What does Alitalia know about love that "they" seem to think doesn't exist? Oh, right, they are actors--proving "their" theory that it doesn't really exist.

But it must exist! Plenty of people seem to think that it does. Some of them are even married! Imagine that.

I love Joe, but I want more. And whether what I desire is even achievable at this point, I don't know.

I certainly don't like feeling like I settled. Did I settle? After nearly ten years with the man, I'm thinking maybe. And that in and of itself makes me feel awful.

I feel like I've done plenty of pretending that all I have has been enough. I've tried to focus on abundance--and I've clearly missed something.

What am I missing?

I feel like I'm preparing myself to let go of what I have in order to find something (someone) I may never find. Joe knows how I feel, and it's like neither of us seems to think things can be any different. It's really, really sad.

It's too hard to let go. I don't want to want to. But I feel like I have no choice. I may never find what I'm looking for, but it's in leaving--not staying--that I feel as though I have a chance.

I sound like I've made up my mind, don't I? And yet I'm so hoping for a good reason to change it.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

Quote Of The Day:

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread."
--Mother Theresa

Background Music:

"Drops of Jupiter (Tell Me)"
--Train

Today's High:

Lying in the sun on the grass in my backyard, with Daisy on my chest.

Today's Low:

Hearing Daisy hiss at Lacey--they met for the first time today. So much for that idea.

Top Five Things
on the counter in my bathroom:

1) Toilet paper

2) Aosept contact lens disinfectant

3) Clean and Clear acne medication

4) $4.00.

5) Noah perfume

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