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Sunday, April 21, 2002
Dear Kate,
Joe and I are separating--again. I'm pretty much in disbelief about the whole thing. We met with a mediator on Thursday and spent a single session dividing up what little we have together. I cried filling out the paperwork.
I want him to keep the house. I get to keep my truck and all the cash I can carry. He'd pay me back the balance of the equity in our house over a two-year period. By mid-May, we should have a separation agreement in hand. We could be divorced as soon as mid-July. Happy four-year anniversary to us.
We're in no rush to get divorced, so I figure we'll probably just be separated until much later in the year.
I've been seriously thinking about moving to Florida. Why Florida? My best friend and my greatest support system is there. I suspect that being nearer to her would make things that much easier for me. Besides, I love the warm and even the hot weather! I have friends here in New York, and I love them dearly. But before I met Joe, which wasn't long after I graduated from college, I thought for sure that I would get off Long Island or out of New York. I'm definitely not a city girl. I barely sound like a New Yorker. (I'm told time and again that I don't have a New York accent. It slips out from time to time, but there's nothing Amy Fisher about me!)
I keep looking for a reason to stay in New York, besides the fact that I have a job here. I said this much to Joe this morning, and he just looked at me in all seriousness and told me I could stay. But things with us would be no different than the past year or longer--the status quo. He knows as well as I do that we're getting no where fast that way. I want kids. And I want a love like no other. Isn't that what your spouse is supposed to be?
I don't know if I'm dwelling too much on what I don't have. All of this is so complicated to write about. Joe and I have been so wonderful with each other lately. I mean, we've continued to get a long just as well as we always do. We still sleep in the same bed, and sometimes, we will even put our arms around each other. We'll still cuddle on the couch, share meals together when we're both home to be able to do so, kiss each other g'bye when we're leaving for work, and enjoy our comic relief: the cat and dog. We're buddies. It's not all bad. I just want more.
I feel like I sound like a broken record. On one hand, I feel like my experiences are so unique, but I can't seem to express that in words not already said by someone else who has also gone through a divorce or separation. And this feeling of unoriginality also makes me wonder if I'll end up feeling lots of regret. I suppose many people who have divorced don't feel that way at all, but some do.
One of the Omega Institute workshops I attended last weekend was by Debbie Ford, author of Spiritual Divorce. The topic itself sounded perfect to me even though I never read her book, yet I felt like the workshop didn't apply to me. Ford talked of ensuring the experience was a positive one, of not turning yourself into a victim, of using your energies to your advantage--that the best revenge is success. Revenge? It just sounded so bitter to me. And while Joe and I have had our share of fights, we both seemed resolved to separating. There's nothing to avenge here. It's more like we're loving each other enough to let each other go, I think.
A friend of his called the house yesterday looking for our address to send us a wedding invitation. The wedding is in mid-July. I figure I'll be in Florida by then. I told Joe to think about what he wanted to do, whether he wants to go alone, or whether he wants me to go with him. Is that weird or what? I could just see me doing that. We're friends, right? Friends will be each other's date for weddings.
I wonder if I'll ever have a Kate. I wonder if I'll like Florida as much as I think I will. I wonder what I'll be doing a year from now.
Quote Of The Day:
"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again." --Sarah Ban Breathnach
Worth Noting:
I read (aka mostly skimmed through) more then 900 e-mails yesterday, just so I could finally get around to writing this entry. I seem to put e-mail ahead of journal writing.
In The Background:
1,000 Miles, by Vanessa Carlton
