At Least I Can Dream

Tuesday, August 13, 2002

Dear Kate,

I hope you're never in a marriage that has any little part of you feeling like you need to leave it, because I know it's a pretty awful feeling to have.

I've heard that it's hard under the worst of marital circumstances, like abuse and neglect--the circumstances under which you'd think it'd be easy go. But it's also hard under circumstances that aren't nearly so awful. It's just hard. It pretty much sucks. But if it's for the best, you just have to get through it, or so I keep telling myself.

I feel like I'm squirmming through this time of my life, kicking and screaming on the inside and sometimes on the outside, wondering if the hardest part really is behind me and wondering just how the heck my life will unfold "for the best."

This time last year I had decided that, after not even two months of living without Joe, I wanted to move back home. This year, moving home again has crossed my mind only a small handful of times--when I first moved down here and again within the past few days.

I miss him.

I find myself wishing that one morning he'll wake up and decide to be everything I need him to be. It seems that defining that "everything" has proved tricky over the years. Maybe it's true no one person can be everything you need, but I don't think I would have left if I genuinely believed...I could have stayed. This, all of it, remains hard for me. Much of the time, I remain in disbelief. I sometimes find myself wondering if I'm just on a long vacation, or, like the lie I gave some of my co-workers because I just didn't want to have to get into the bigger story, that Joe will eventually move down here too, as soon as he finds work.

I had been feeling stuck at home, like we weren't growing as a couple, unless you count growing apart. Now that I'm not home, I still feel kind of stuck, because it's very much like I'm still not really ready to finish letting go. Sometimes I dream that Joe will move down to Florida because he just can't live without me. Sometimes I dream of meeting a handsome rich guy with a house on the water. Sometimes, but not all that often, I wonder about moving back to New York. The latter hasn't struck me as being the dream of all dreams, so I keep on figuring I'm doing the right thing and I just have to finish growing through this. Bleh.

I still don't feel like I can get on with my life, but at least I can dream about it.

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Quote Of The Day:

"If you can't dream it, you can't do it." --Martha Beck

Worth Noting:

I bought a Tiffany lamp--something I've always wanted--for about 70% off this past weekend. It keeps making me smile.

In The Background:

CNBC