Nov. 22, 1999 -- Monday

Dear Kate,

So, today I turn 30! I bought this book today as a birthday present to myself. I've been meaning to start this for you on this day -- my 30th -- to possibly give to you on your 30th...I don't know. We'll see. Here, you aren't even born yet. I'm not even pregnant with you. Nor am I even trying to get pregnant at this point in my life. That kinda bugs me. Here, I feel older than mold itself, I've been married a bit over a year and as much as I want kids yesterday, part of me just isn't ready yet.

Anyway, I wanted to get back into writing in my journal again -- I've kept one on and off since I was 13. So if nothing else, writing to you here in this way is largely for myself too. It seems especially in the past few years that I've started lots of new journals while pages and pages never get written on.

But I think new books symbolize new beginnings for me. It always used to be such a big deal for me to start over in the middle of something...or at least start a journal on a day other than Jan. 1. It had to at least be some sort of first day that had some sort of significance. The one when I was 13, for example, I started "on the first day of the month I became a teenager."

Anyway, despite the fact that I'm 30, I still feel like I have a lot of growing to do. I wish I was 28. I've been saying I feel so behind for my age -- like the whole kids thing. I mean, it's such a '90s thing to do to not have kids until your 30s, and yet it seems like I'm one of the few people I know who's buying into that.

Well, my theme song for the day seems to be "Bitch," by Meredith Brooks, if not because I started practicing it to sing at karaoke on Wednesday night. I hope I get the nerve! It'll feel good if I pull it off.

I'm thinking this is it for now. My wish for my next 30 years will be that I never stop growing. See you...